how IVF changes a guy

Here are a few quick thoughts in random order regarding ways I thought I would never think of. (If what I'm saying makes sense - which it won't, of course).

1) After a discussion and lots and lots more talks with your partner/doctor/internet strangers about egg quality declining with age, a guy no longer wonders/daydreams/fantasizes whether the 20-something barista is wearing a bra/likes to sunbathe nude/has a tattoo on her bum, but instead wonders how she would react to follicle stimulation meds and whether her family has a history of heart disease/cancer/genetic disorders.

2) You stop dead in your tracks when you realize we might not be talking *just* about getting donor eggs but possibly might be getting some other guy's *stuff*. And (in a very primal, but admittedly junior highschool-level maturity) in a way, it's like some other guy is stepping in to do what you cannot - fertilize your lady. Make HIS mark, not yours. You could be raising HIS kid as YOURS. If it is a boy, would you beam with the same level of pride teaching him to swim or fish as you would have if he had the same genes as you did? And he of course has no interest in being a dad... he was paid $60 by a clinic for his contribution and he has no clue whether his Tuesday afternoon 5 minute job ever resulted in a new life.

More later...

~ Baby Daddy

Miscarriage and now what????

Warning: Do not read if you have weak stomach.

So, even the miscarriage has been a rollercoaster nightmare.

Physically: Went to doctor on Thursday for ultrasound and blood draw. US was inconclusive as everything still looked ok and HCG still at 1507. Well, immediately following the appointment I started to drop blood clots...and various other things. Spent most of Thursday and Thursday night on toilet. Was filling, rather over-filling pads like crazy. Had huge pieces of I don't know what coming out. I would usually have a 5 second warning to run to bathroom. Most of the time I made it, but sometimes not. By Friday morning, I had lost so much blood that I was starting to get concerned and called doctor. They said what I was experiencing was not normal and had to go back again on Friday. Spent 2.5 hours in the office and filled 3 pads during that time. When the doc finally came in and I stood up to take off pad for US, blood came spilling out all over the floor, running down my legs and onto my feet. It was horrible. US showed more material still in there, but HCG had finally started to drop and was now at 947. Funny how we were so anxious to have that number go up and now we are waiting for it to go down. Doctor started me on meds to contract uterus and hopefully control bleeding. Well, it didn't work at first as Friday night was just as bad. Up every 2 hours with clots and full pads. So, back to doctor again on Saturday for another HCG check - down to 492 now and finally some relief from the bleeding as it was now at a manageable level. By Saturday night I felt ok enough to leave the house and it's gotten better since. I think the worst is finally over. Follow-up appointment with doc on Friday to check HCG again and talk about the cycle and next steps.

Emotionally: I've been a mess - sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, rageful, jealous, depressed. Woke up this morning with a huge empty pit in my stomach. I just can't believe this is how it ended up. We were so hopeful that this was our miracle baby...or babies. We have believed so faithfully that we were meant to be pregnant and parent a baby together...our baby. It is so hard to not know why this hasn't worked for us. What are we doing wrong? Why do others seem to get pregnant so easily and have no problems? We've been to parks the last 2 days to relax in the sun and all I seem to see is pregnant women and families with babies and children. Everyone except us.

I've begun to think about other options and none of them are appealling. Our options - in no particular order:
1) Try IVF again (another $15K, that we don't have, and no guarantees)
2) Try IVF with donor egg/sperm (likely even more expensive and what's the point if not biologically ours and still risk of miscarriage)
3) Adopt embryos (much less expensive, but still not "ours" and no guarantees here either)
4) Adoption (seems like such a daunting process and not appealing to either of us)
5) No children (I just can't accept going the rest of my life without experiencing being a mother)

What do we do????

Hope Destroyed

All hope was lost when I went to the bathroom at 3:30 today and the toilet filled with bright red, fresh blood. Seriously??? I had a sneaking suspicion all morning as I was experiencing cramps that were oddly resembling period cramps. Have been bleeding fairly heavily ever since. Baby Daddy still has a glimmer of hope, but I think he is in denial. I know it's all just happening, but I can't help but already think about what next???? Do we try a 3rd time? Invest another $15K that we don't have? Try a donor egg? Donor embryo? Adoption? Or just forget it all? Seems really difficult to accept that I was not meant to be a mother to my own child. Do I give up on that dream that I've held for so long???????????????????????????????????????????????

Another round on the rollercoaster

Sailed through the weekend feeling really good about being pregnant. Then Monday hit and the rollercoaster takes a nose dive....As I was just about to call the doctor to make my 6 week US appointment, I headed to the bathroom first....only to find red blood and a fair amount of it. My heart sank as I knew this wasn't good and was likely the start of a miscarriage. Called the doc and they said that was likely the case as well, but to come in for another HCG test to confirm. Why bother, I thought. What's the point? It's over.

Back to the internet...this time to research miscarriage and what I can expect to happen. The doctor said to expect a really heavy period. I was imagining last time and it wasn't pretty. In retrospect, I think I may have been pregnant and miscarried earlier. So, I was imagaining the same, only worse since I'm farther along. I was scared to go to bed - afraid I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping and everything coming out at once. All the internet stories freaked me out.

But, Tuesday came and no more blood. Nothing since that Monday bathroom incident. How could this be? What the heck is going on?

The nurse calls and says HCG is progressing normally...now at 801! What??? This is madness. Everyone says you can't be sort-of pregnant, you either are or you are not. Well, I feel only sorta pregnant. One day I am , the next, I'm not. Should I go back to being hopeful??? I'm scared to have hope again.

Two hours later...another red blood episode...exact same thing as yesterday. But now, it's been 4 hours since and nothing. I guess this just goes to show that it is all out of my control. There is nothing I can do. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, then well, it's not. I don't even feel like I have any emotion about it today. I've become numb. Too scared to move in either direction for fear the tide will turn yet again.

Doc says they really won't know anything until they do an ultrasound. Appointment is set for Sept 9th....10 days away....we go into another holding pattern.

Friday's HCG Results: A whopping 275! Even higher than I anticipated! Yeah! The excitement continues....and so does the brown discharge...going on nearly a week now. Nobody warned me about this. I hate not knowing what it means. It could be perfectly normal and could be a sign of problems. So frustrating!

Yes, Baby!!!! Finally!!!

Got the results of 2nd HCG test today - 111 baby! Yeah! Another miracle. That is what this whole journey is....a series of miracles. I never realized how delicate this process is and how many milestones there are.

I've, of course, been driving myself crazy searching the internet looking for the appropriate HCG levels - I've become a little obsessive, to say the least. I also have OPC - obsessive panty checking. I am still having significant amounts of brown discharge that is very worrisome. Although, after all I've read on the internet about how many others have experienced the exact same thing, I've felt some relief. And, the doctors don't seem to be worried about it either.

Because the initial level was considered low, they want to re-check HCG again on Friday. So, we wait again, but with a little more reassurance this time. Scared to be too assured though. That is the crazy thing - the ups and downs - there have been so many!!!

I still can't believe I am actually pregnant. It's crazy. I've wanted this for so long and now that we are finally here, I find myself wondering if this could actually be.

We continue to pray daily and have faith that all is unfolding exactly as it should be.

Thank you God and the Universe for blessing us with this truly amazing miracle!!! We are very grateful!

Baby???

41 eggs retrieved, 20 mature eggs, 10 embryos, 5 embryos via 2 transfers and maybe 1 baby....

HCG test on Sunday revealed pregnancy with HCG at 39.8....doc says they like to see that initial number greater than 50....we were told to remain "cautiously optimistic" and to come back in 3 days to see how HCG level has changed. UGH! I can't tell you how tired I am of this up and down and waiting....it's getting to be quite ridiculous at this point. Why does this process have to be so darn difficult?

Now, in the last 24+ hours, I've started spotting...have scoured the Internet yet again for what this might mean and have come out the other side not any clearer than when I began. Could be signs of miscarriage, could be normal. This is crap....

Why? What is the point of all this???

The Next Phase

I guess I am only capable of bulk updates this cycle....

So, of the 22 eggs retrieved, only 9 were mature and only 5 fertilized...definitely disappointed that we ended up with the same number of embryos as last cycle.

On Day 3, in our pre-transfer conference they presented us with a pic of 3 embryos this time...which is weird cause we had just had a discussion about whether or not to transfer more this time. They told us the chance for success went from roughly 45-55% to 55-65% and with 3 embryos only a 20% chance of twins and less than 1% chance of triplets...so we went for it. Transfer went much better than last time, but still not as easy as it apparently should be.

I couldn't sleep the next 2 nights as I kept waking up with weird twinges all through the night. Baby Daddy finally convinced me to call doctor on Friday to make sure all was ok. Doctor says it sounds like I have a mild case of OHSS and tells me to come in for exam and ultrasound on Saturday. Then Friday night hits and we have a horrible night. Pains all through the night, can't sleep and every time I get up to go to the bathroom, I get nauseous and dizzy and have to lay back down. Ultrasound and exam reveal enlarged ovaries and 2 pockets of fluid - mild to moderate OHSS. Told to stay home and do as little as possible while drinking Gatorade. So, spend the weekend laying around and then work from home for 2 days before going back for follow-up ultrasound. This time (different doctor) says all is good. Ovaries are still enlarged, but not more than expected at this point and fluid pockets seems to be gone.

So, essentially I've spent the last week obsessed with whether or not I am pregnant. Have scoured the internet reading about signs and symptoms trying to figure out which category I fall into. I tell ya, this 2WW, as they call it, can drive a person crazy!!!!! Good thing I have tons of work to distract me.

Emotions have been up and down. Started to feel depressed that the cycle failed again and trying to figure out what in the world to do if that was the case. My intial thoughts after the OHSS diagnosis is that I am not putting myself through this again. Maybe an embryo donation is the way to go. Then after about a day of that, I said no. I am not giving up on my dream of being a mom to my own baby. That has always been my dream and I am not letting it go that easy. I had a serious conversation with God and the Universe to let them both now that I am not giving up. That this is the time and I am ready. I've asked, I've believed and now it is time to receive. I decided to change my attitude and have been thinking and feeling much more positive ever since. I have been choosing to believe and have been sending light and love to the 3 embryos that they are healthy and doing just what they need to in order to lead to a successful pregnancy. I am visualizing myself pregnant and us with our healthy baby...or babies as the case may be. Funny, how I am now so open to either twins or triplets when I was once adamantly against multiples. Now, I just want to be pregnant and will take whatever number of babies God and the Universe wants to bless us with. Watch what you ask for!!! : )

So, the last couple days I have continued to have various twinges throughout the days and nights and wonder if that is the sign that things are progressing this time. Definitely a different experience from last time. I am choosing to believe that I am pregnant.

God, Universe, and all the powers that be....thank you for bringing us this far and I trust that all is well. That the babies are well and growing inside of me.

On Sunday we go in for HCG test....4 more days....

Bring it (them) on! : )

Successful Retrieval

22 eggs retrieved! Yeah! Tomorrow's report will tell us how many are mature and how many successfully fertilized!

Baby 2.0

A little bit behind on the details...but here's a recap of the past couple months:
June - Finally saw a knowledgeable doctor who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism....now we wonder if that played a role in our 1st IVF attempt...we'll never know for sure
July 14 - Start taking daily ovulation tests in order to start Cetrotide injection in hopes of getting more mature eggs this round
July 16 - Think I have positive test, but can't tell for sure so do 2nd test that comes out negative
July 22 - Start to panic that ovulation already occured so go in for ultrasound that confirmed I did ovulate! Good thing I followed my hunch....Cetrotide injection tonight
July 25 - 6 weeks post endo appointment, 2 lab tests later and cleared to start 2nd IVF attempt
July 26 - Start period early - only 21 day cycle
July 27 - Suppression check - 15 follicles and all good to go!
July 28 - 1st day of stimulation meds
Aug 1 - Day 5 ultrasound and blood check - 13 developing eggs
Aug 4 - Day 8 ultrasound and blood check - 13 mature eggs - doc wants to go 1 more day to try and get more mature eggs - I am so tired of the 3-4 nightly injections now and am glad to have this part over.
Aug 5 - Day 9 ultrasound and blood check - 14 mature eggs - HCG tonight, which means Aug 7th retrieval
Aug 6 - Anxious for tomorrow's retrieval....feeling really full and looking 5-6 months pregnant!

stalled, but with good reason

Baby Mamma and I have stalled our IVF process for a bit. With doctor's recommendations pushing things back, despite how our hearts want to leap forward.

I'll let Baby Mamma explain in greater detail, but it's all about taking precautions not to leave any I's undotted or T's uncrossed, health-wise, that is.

Pregnancy Blood Test Results

No HCG...no pregnancy...no babies...

I think I knew on Friday...I just didn't want to believe it.

I am so extremely sad that our adorable little embryos didn't make it. I don't even have words to describe the level of disappointment I feel. All of the grief stages at once - ok, mainly anger and sadness at this point...with sprinkles of denial and acceptance. WHY????

Do we try another IVF cycle? I am just kicking myself that we didn't purchase the multi-plan or refund program. We just had so much hope and faith that the 1st time would work. Cannot believe we spent $22K and have nothing to show for it. Nothing. Nothing, but the memory of a long rollercoaster ride that ended up falling off the tracks completely.

not taking it personally, being supportive, preparing

That's about all a guy can do right now.

And keep a good sense of humor.

Like a former co-worker told me at the end of my first week on the job: "keep your head down and do what you're told."

And I don't mean the above quote to imply the guy's job is to be an unfeeling robot like Arnold in the Terminator movies, nor to be a mere order-taker like Hoke in Driving Miss Daisy. What I mean is, well, I don't know exactly. By tomorrow afternoon, after the pregancy test, we could be on another upswing. When I say we're "preparing" - it is preparing for anything, which is unnerving.

The good thing is the drama has drawn us closer - but we're ready for good news.

Rollercoaster takes a plunge

Woke up at 4am with more spotting. Got up at 8am to get ready for work and went to the bathroom. Wiped and immediately started crying. What was coming out of me was definitely more than spotting and wasn't like anything I had seen before. I won't go into the gory details, but whatever it was didn't seem normal at all and all I could think of was that the babies had come out. Why?????? Called nurse and she said there are some women who bleed and go on to have normal pregnancies, but that I should prepare myself as well. The only way to know for sure is a blood test that I can't do until tomorrow. Seriously? Another 30 hours of this agonizing obsessing and wondering? I guess there is nothing else we can do.

But really, after all this? It seems like a cruel joke. So many ups and downs....things we interpreted as signs that this must be right. Amazingly, we still have some level of hope. We are wondering if it is possible for one baby to miscarry and the other one be fine? No conclusive answers found on-line thus far.

Implantation Bleeding or Pre-Period Bleeding?

Today at work I started having some brown spotting that concerned me. Called nurse and they said it could be completely normal or could be my period starting. As soon as I got home from work I started researching implantation bleeding on-line and was relieved to find that what I was experiencing seemed to fit with the signs and symptoms of implanation bleeding. Yeah! Was this the sign we were looking for to confirm that all is well? Did all of our prayer work? Emotions are up again and hope restored. They really weren't kidding when they said this IVF thing would be a rollercoaster ride.

Easter Test

Result was negative...did we test too early? That's what we are holding out hope for....

Emotional Mess

Can I just say....WTF? I've been an absolute emotional mess over the past couple days. This not knowing is killing me and the fear and doubt have officially taken over. I fell asleep crying last night and then had a terrible dream that my worst fears had come true. I think all the hormones are messing with me. My body has been so out of whack....I now realize that having been super bloated and having super sore boobs helped me to "feel" pregnant and I actually liked it. Now, my body feels closer to normal and it freaks me out. I don't want it to feel normal. I want all the pregnancy symptoms. As crazy as it is, I keep hoping each morning to wake up feeling nauseous. Now, how seriously demented is that? That's what this process will do to you. I am pissed at how easy it has been for all of my friends to conceive. Why am I the chosen one to have difficulties both finding a partner and becoming a mother? Why???? I keep looking at the pictures of our 2 little embryos and honestly feel like I love them. I don't know how it is possible, but I do. I guess they are the closest thing I have ever experienced to having my own babies so I guess it does kinda make sense in a weird kind of way. They were the chosen 2. I know that parts of me and parts of Baby Daddy are all wrapped up in those cute little embryos.

Tomorrow is Day 11 and it is also Easter (and also 13 days post HCG injection) so we are thinking about taking a home pregnancy test....not sure if that is a good idea or not. I mean, either answer we get will cause it's own chain reaction of feelings. If it's negative...does this mean it didn't work? are we just testing too early? is there still hope? If it's positive...does this mean it did work? is it a false-positive due to the HCG injection? is it really true? I feel like we're screwed with either answer so not sure how much, if at all, it will help.

Again, we turn to you God. That is all we can do. Over and over again. Baby Daddy actually seems to be the more faithful one these days. He has been praying for all of us each night, which I love. He keeps saying that we've received so many signs that this is the right time for us, for me. He says I wouldn't be me if I didn't continue to question. I guess he knows me too well.

The Universe Speaks

Ok, how absolutely amazing is this??? I get home today to find the following message in my e-mail inbox:


"...about your amazing husband, and that one day soon you will be pregnant... have you considered that once these dreams come to pass, you may become too popular to even grocery shop for yourself? Yeah, your peeps can do it for you."

"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
The Universe

I just have to say, how amazingly odd that is! I mean, the timing...I am 7 days post retrieval and 4 days post transfer. Still one more week until we do the pregnancy test. The waiting has been unbearably more difficult than I had thought. I mean, am I or not? I really want to believe I am. We already have one home pregnancy test and just bought another one at the dollar store, but not sure if or when we will use either. Have gotten on-line to see when is the earliest you can test, but then found out it takes 5-14 days for the pre-retrieval HCG shot to be eliminated from your system so you could get a false positive. So, going by that, the earliest we should test would be the 25th, however the 24th is Easter Sunday so it seemed appropriate to test then. Official blood test by doctor is on the 27th.

I am trying to stay positive and have faith and all, but sometimes I have doubts. Mainly because I have wanted this for so long and it has always eluded me. Can my dreams really be coming true this time? Baby Daddy just keeps telling me to "believe so I can receive". Gotta love that guy! I've said so many prayers this past few weeks to just let go and trust in God's plan for us...no matter what it is. I have to think my dreams of being pregnant and becoming a mother are bound to come true. I mean could God really give me this strong of a desire and then not fulfill it???? I want to be positive, but part of me is so afraid that it's not going to work out, yet again. How can I just trust and believe? It seems that there have been so many "signs" this time and it has felt so right and so real. I want to control the outcome, yet I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to control it. We have done everything we were supposed to and now we need to just continually let go, moment after moment. The rest is truly up to God.

Waiting for Implantation

I woke up this morning thinking about the need for a 6 passenger vehicle. I guess the idea of twins is starting to grow on me (or hopefully grow in me!). Once I saw the pics of our 2 little embryos, I couldn't help but want both of them to stay together in the womb and keep each other company. None of this process has gone how we planned (it's been better!) so why would I think I could control the number of resulting babies! Crazy of me!

weekend wrap up

It took four attempts over the past months to get to this point, and four attempts by the doc Saturday morning to get our two 7-cell embryos inside Baby Mamma (too full bladder tilted the geometry of the cervix-uterus), but things are rolling now. She's resting, reading, and blogging (right next to me on couch now). Just waiting anxiously for about 10 or so days until we can check to see if embryos (one or both) implanted into the uterus. Prayer and cookies help. Lots. :)

Transfer Day

The day started off with me being in the shower and receiving an unexpected call from the doctor just 30 mins before we would be heading out the door for the procedure. Baby Daddy takes the call and I think he is joking when he comes in the bathroom to tell me it is the doctor we were secretly hoping would be the one to perform the procedure. (Background - same doc who gave the "Introduction to IVF" seminar that we attended months ago and who recognized us in the recovery room on the day of Baby Daddy's surgery. For some reason, we feel a kinship with him and saw it as a sign from God that he would be performing the transfer). Once I realized that Baby Daddy was not joking, I started to panic...why is the doctor calling? Is something wrong with the embryos? I immediately get out of the shower and get on the phone. Doc says best chance of getting pregnant is transferring 2 embryos, which we had previously been hesitant about due to the likelihood of that resulting in multiples. He was calling because if we only wanted to transfer 1, he said we should wait until Day 5. What he didn't know is that we had already discussed and decided we'd rather have 2 than 0. So, the transfer remains as scheduled.... On the way to the clinic, we run into unexpected traffic due to offramp we needed being closed. We were already running late due to the phone call from the doc. As each minute ticks by, I start panicing, but Baby Daddy remains calm and takes a detour through a construction zone and ends up getting us there just 10 mins late. Transfers require that you have a full bladder so there are very strict rules about how much to drink and when, when to empty the bladder, etc. I followed all the rules, but as soon as they put the ultrasound on me, they said my bladder was too full. So, I let out nearly 2 cups. We then met with the embryolist to very brielfy to go over the current status of all 5 embryos. They have selected the best 2 for transfer and will let the rest culture until Day 6 when they will determine if any of those remaining 3 are viable for freezing. Next step was for the doc to get the cathater through my cervix to deliver the embryos to my uterus. Unfortunately, I have a small cervix and after several attempts, it won't go in. He tries another type of cathater. That won't work either. I was asked to empty my bladder some more to change the angle of my uterus. That doesn't help either. He gets a 3rd type of cathater. Still no sucess and I start to panic. The doctor stands up and I start to cry because I think he is going to tell me that it just won't work. He says it is best not to force anything and we will just keep trying by emptying the bladder a little more each time. So, back to the bathroom again and this time I decide to literally get down on my knees in the bathroom and say a prayer to ask God for help. When I get back in the room, I asked Baby Daddy to say a prayer too. This time the cathater goes right in. Thank you, God. We wait 15 minutes while I lay on the bed and then we are free to go. Directions are to stay off my feet as much as possible for the next 48 hours. Wow, we made it. I now have 2 baby embryos inside me. How weird is that?

Big Day Is Tomorrow

What an amazing journey! We found out this afternoon that tomorrow will be the transfer day. All 5 little embryos are still developing, but we won't find out until tomorrow who (or how many) will win the race. Excited, anxious, grateful.....stay posted for more details.

1st Report Is In

Retrieved 19 eggs, 11 were mature, 5 were successfully fertilized. Wow - what a weaning process. We now have 5 little embryos growing in the lab. We find out tomorrow afternoon how many have risen to the top of the pack and whether or not the transfer will be Saturday or Monday. Very exciting...and somewhat nerve racking as well! We continue to pray and trust in God's plan. And, of course, we are hoping for a miracle...or two. : )

Wow, that was easy!

Retrieval complete. Must say it was a much smoother, quicker, easier process than I had been prepared for. Still cried like a baby beforehand for some darn reason. Love it that Baby Daddy prayed with me before being wheeled into surgery. Got into the room, they put socks on me and next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. Retrieval was a success with 19 eggs retrieved. No pain, just a little discomfort. Feel almost normal. Still gonna let Baby Daddy take care of my all day though. Good practice for the months ahead. Get our first fertilization report tomorrow - how exciting!!!

Night Before Retrieval

So, here we are....the night before the retrieval. No food or water after midnite. Check-in at 8:30am. Surgery at 9am. Wow, hard to believe we are actually here. I am scared about the anesthesia because it will be my first time "going under", but everyone assures me it will be fine. Apparently the procedure is only 20 minutes. I pray that God is watching over all of us.

Stimulation Day 8

Had a little bit of a scare over the weekend. Thought I had ovulated and was all worried that I had ovulated away $22K. Called nurse and she assured me that it was just the higher hormone levels that were causing the ovulation symptoms. Had bloodwork and ultrasound today and all was well. Today we had 8 eggs that met the criteria. Survival of the fittest at it's finest. We started with 20, then went to 14, now we are at 8. And then we just had to wait for the bloodwork to come back. We anxiously waited and at 2:15 got the call that all was good for an early retrieval on Wednesday the 13th! Yikers! Just 2 days away. One last shot of Ganirelix and then HCG tonight. Boy, was that another ordeal. I cried like a baby again. Not sure why that has freaked me out like it has, but Baby Daddy has been super supportive and understanding and helped me through it. Tonight I began looking up all the statistics on how many embryos to implant, the success rates for Day 3 vs. Day 5 transfer, etc. After a few minutes it occured to me that no level of statistical data is going to make this happen. It is in God's hands. I need to let go once again and just trust in the process. All is well...

Stimulation Day 5

Another solo appointment. Bloodwork and ultrasound this time. During the ultrasound they are looking to count how many follicles are over a size 10. They were expecting for a couple to be at that point, but I had 14! Those eggs were cookin' at high heat! So, it's still early, but looking like retrieval will be on first possible day, Wed, April 13th. Only a 10% chance of that happening. I left the appointment smiling and freaking out all at the same time. Is this really happening? It all seems so quick now. I had to immediately call Baby Daddy to tell him the good news. And, then had to call him back 20 minutes later as I was freaking out that our Baby Egg was being pumped up artifically with all these drugs...what will be the long term effects? Should we really be playing with science like this? I'm scared, excited, nervous....all kinds of feelings. Like they said, this is a rollercoaster ride. Assuming retrieval happens on 4/13, that puts transfer on 4/16 or 4/18. Wow, I will be conceiving a baby next week. I really can't believe it. I'm scared to plan too much based on what we have gone through up to this point. As they say, it truly is a miracle. We are blessed.

Stimulation Day 3

First appointment solo - Baby Daddy had another commitment that he could not get out of. Appointment was quick and simple - the drive to and from took 60 mins, but the appointment was over in about 5 minutes - just a quick blood draw.

We got the green light!

Yeah....uterus was all ready to go and 11 follicles on the left and 9 on the right! Wow - 20 follicles! Amazing! We are excited and are trying not to get too freaked out! We actually get to start this time. So stimulation meds start tonight. 225 of Follistim and 75 of Menopur. Took us about 45 mins to get through 2 shots as we were so diligent about getting everything just right.

Will this be the right time?

Tomorrow we will go in for the 4th Suppression Check to see if we are ready to start this time. Trying to just be calm and accepting of whatever is...stay tuned...

still waiting

We're trying to be positive and hoping for great things.

I continue to support Baby Mamma and she's a trooper.

I love her lots.

<3

Baby Daddy

Another False Start

Went in for the 3rd attempt at a Suppression Check. Uterus good. 7 follicles on the left, 3 on the right - not bad. But, blood check...not so good. Estrogen level is still elevated at 71 and needs to be less than 50. Major bummer! So, once again we cancel all appointments and wait for the next period to start.

Waiting...

Was just looking at the calendar and noticed that today would have been the last possible day for the transfer if the previous calendar had worked out...kinda sad. But, both Baby Daddy and I feel confident that everything is working out just as it should. This time we have planned nothing and are just going with the flow...actually, waiting for the flow! : ) We've started to talk about delivering the baby...yes, perhaps getting a little ahead of ourselves, but we watched a documentary on giving birth in America and it was quite interesting. We are now thinking of going the midwife route vs. hospital route. Lots to think about.

Scared Like A Baby

Ok, what do most women get for Valentine's Day? Flowers, candy? Well, Baby Daddy just gave me a shot of Novarel (HCG) in the butt with a 1.5 inch needle! He's outdone himself this time. Seriously though, he was great and boy, was I a big baby! It took at least 45 minutes to prep for the 5 second shot cause I was so scared I wouldn't let him do it. I was in such a panic that everything wasn't just right or that the needle was contiminated or that it would hurt or whatever. I've given myself numerous shots, but for some reason this one just freaked me out. And, when I finally let him do it, I didn't feel a thing! Crazy! It hurt less than any of the others. He did such a good job - mainly putting up with and helping to calm all my fears.


Now, the reason we had to do this tonight was because the doctor said today that she still doesn't know for sure what happened, but they believe my body did not respond to the Lupron. I'm not positive, but I think the HCG was to make sure that I do ovulate now if I didn't already. Now, we follow a different protocol...the "Spontaneous Antagonist"...sounds like a superhero movie to me.

So, now we wait for my next period and start the Suppression check process all over again. Possible retreival dates are now March 10-14 which puts possible transfer dates as March 13-19. Looks like we are looking at a Christmas baby now, which actually makes sense.

Disappointment...

Today did not go as we had planned or hoped. Ultrasound showed that uterus lining was thickened and cysts have gotten bigger instead of smaller. Doctor says she doesn't know for sure, but thinks that my body did not respond to the medications and ovulated anyway. So, additional blood tests will confirm what is going on and we must wait until Monday to see what the next steps are. More than likely we will need to wait for another menstrual cycle to pass and then try again next month. Super disappointing...

Plans Postponed

As Baby Daddy said...plans have been postponed for a week. Estrogen level is too high. So, we go back for another Supression Check on Friday. Disappointing for sure, but we are trusting in the divine timing that is...perhaps there is a grand reason for the delay that is yet to be revealed.

delay of game

We're sitting out the next step for a few days since the estrogen levels are high or some such business. Gotta sit on the bench a few days more until the levels drop so we can start the stimulation meds. If we did it now - which was the original schedule - the meds would stimulate cysts to build-up rather than the follicles to grow. (I hope this is what they told me - I could more easily articulate how a DVD player works).

New suppression appointment scheduled for next week to verify estrogen levels have dropped to acceptable levels. Bummer. About 7 more days delayed.

That's one thing I think we have learned so far about this process: be prepared for change. Good lesson for starting and raising a family too, I guess.

Supression Check

So...today's ultrasound revealed that:
1) Uterus lining was thinned - as it should be.
2) Follicle count was13. Ideal range is 10-15. Yeah!
3) I have 2 cysts that were larger than they like to see. I'm still not exactly sure what this means. I asked for clarification 3 times, but the medical jargon still didn't make sense to me. Basically, what I do understand is that my body may not be ready for stimulation meds just yet. So, needed to have blood test today to check estrogen levels to make sure they are not too high. Will get results tomorrow between 12-2 and that will determine if I am ready to start the next phase. Can't help but be somewhat frustrated that it may delay my whole schedule.....And, yet again, I am reminded that most things have not gone according to my schedule. So, I let go...and trust in the process...and the timing of it all.

Day 10 of Injections

We just did the 10th day of Lupron injections. It's been much easier than I anticipated. We have it down to a science. Baby Daddy does all the prep and I do the shot. Takes us less than 5 minutes now. We make a great IVF team. Tomorrow we go for the Suppression Check appointment which consists of an ultrasound to make sure the uterus and ovaries are good to go for the next phase of the process. If all is good, which we have faith it will be, we start stimulation meds on Saturday. So, we will add Follistim and Menopur injections to our daily regimen. It is possible that the egg retrieval could be in just 11 days - wow!

Thanks Baby Daddy for all your amazing support through this journey together. I love you!

She's doing great!

Baby Mama is a rock star! She's got the schedule down, the meds all readied, appointments highlighted on the calendar with every possible scenario analyzed four or five times - I'm the luckiest guy in the world to be doing this with her!

And I am totally serious.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

First Shot

Tonight was our first shot of Lupron. It's not my first time having to take medication by injection, but it was the first time having to do it in my stomach. Not sure why, but that freaked me out and I froze, not wanting to pull the trigger. Thankfully, Baby Daddy was super supportive and helped me through it. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Didn't actually hurt at all. So, I will do this same injection nightly for a total of 11 days and then we bring out the big guns.

The Real Costs of IVF

So, in true Baby Mamma fashion, I decided to put together a spreadsheet this morning to track all of our costs...yikes!

$2,063 Initial consult, screenings, bloodwork, etc.

$3,067 Medications

$3,603 TESA

$12,801 Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer

$21,534 Total cost

Now it really begins

So, today I had an Office Hysteroscopy/Sounding procedure along with our final Consent Appointment. The procedure itself only took minutes. It was really weird and interesting to see the view inside from the 2mm camera inserted into my cervix. Apparently I have a "petite" cervix, which is just fine, and the uterus looks good to go too. Of course, I broke down crying during the procedure though. Not because it hurt. I think more because with each step, this becomes more real. Am I really going to be a mommy? I still feel too young! Which is crazy, given that I am on the heels of 40!

Am I really ready for this incredible, amazing change? Baby Daddy says I am ready - that we are ready. He did fabulous in the appointment - was very supportive through the process, which I am super grateful for. And, he entertained the doctor with stories from his TESA procedure.

So, we had our entire list of questions answered...no stone unturned. And then we signed about 6 pages of consent forms. I had no idea so many decisions would need to be made along the way. How many embryos do we implant? What do we do with any "leftovers"? Who has custody? Do we donate to research? Wow.

So, the next step....start nightly injections. In total there are 4 different medications that I will need to take by injection over the course of about 3 weeks. Can't recall exactly what they all do...prevent ovulation, stimulate ovulation, mature eggs...too many details to keep straight. Most of them I will do myself since they will go into my stomach, but Baby Daddy gets the honor of doing the last one...since it will need to go into my butt! Yikes! And he's not a big fan of needles or blood. I have faith. Stay tuned for a post on that one.

In reviewing our calendar of events, the egg retrieval will happen sometime between Feb 14th and 18th. Now, wouldn't that be a miracle for conception to occur on Valentine's Day. I think that would be the perfect detail for this amazing story. But, we leave this decision to the powers that be.

today's the first big day of several big days

Today is the last doctor appointment prior to starting IVF. Baby Mama has been on birth control pills per the schedule (seems odd to me, counterintuitive, that BC is needed before one actually gets pregnant, but that's why the docs are the experts).

By the end of the month we're to pay out about $10K not including medications.

We just watched the injection tutorials last night. I fainted. (Not really... just felt like it).

And who can remember all the names for all of the meds?

And in about 5 weeks, we could be implanting an embryo (blastocyst?) that we'll be having to name about 40 weeks later if all goes according to plan.

And the house will never be quiet again...

But it takes a lot of big days between now and then. And today is one in a chain of many, from the first one, the night I met up with Baby Mama for dinner for our first date.