Emotional Mess

Can I just say....WTF? I've been an absolute emotional mess over the past couple days. This not knowing is killing me and the fear and doubt have officially taken over. I fell asleep crying last night and then had a terrible dream that my worst fears had come true. I think all the hormones are messing with me. My body has been so out of whack....I now realize that having been super bloated and having super sore boobs helped me to "feel" pregnant and I actually liked it. Now, my body feels closer to normal and it freaks me out. I don't want it to feel normal. I want all the pregnancy symptoms. As crazy as it is, I keep hoping each morning to wake up feeling nauseous. Now, how seriously demented is that? That's what this process will do to you. I am pissed at how easy it has been for all of my friends to conceive. Why am I the chosen one to have difficulties both finding a partner and becoming a mother? Why???? I keep looking at the pictures of our 2 little embryos and honestly feel like I love them. I don't know how it is possible, but I do. I guess they are the closest thing I have ever experienced to having my own babies so I guess it does kinda make sense in a weird kind of way. They were the chosen 2. I know that parts of me and parts of Baby Daddy are all wrapped up in those cute little embryos.

Tomorrow is Day 11 and it is also Easter (and also 13 days post HCG injection) so we are thinking about taking a home pregnancy test....not sure if that is a good idea or not. I mean, either answer we get will cause it's own chain reaction of feelings. If it's negative...does this mean it didn't work? are we just testing too early? is there still hope? If it's positive...does this mean it did work? is it a false-positive due to the HCG injection? is it really true? I feel like we're screwed with either answer so not sure how much, if at all, it will help.

Again, we turn to you God. That is all we can do. Over and over again. Baby Daddy actually seems to be the more faithful one these days. He has been praying for all of us each night, which I love. He keeps saying that we've received so many signs that this is the right time for us, for me. He says I wouldn't be me if I didn't continue to question. I guess he knows me too well.