Miscarriage Again

Started miscarrying today at 11am...at work! No fun. First few hours were just like last time. Lots of blood and clots passing. Plus nausea, headache and cramps. Doc says I can monitor from home as long as everything stays stable and isn't worse than last time. Go for blooddraw tomorrow to make sure HCG is going down and all systems are stable. Things have slowed down and gotten progressively better during the evening hours. Still sucks big time!

Disappointing News

Today's ultrasound and blooddraw revealed: HCG still rising...1435 now, but it should be close to 4,000 and ultrasound showed gestational sac, but yolk sac and embryo pole should have been present at this point. Doc says little hope. Prepare for miscarriage.

Waiting for tomorrow

So, ultrasound tomorrow at 8:30 should give us a better idea of what is going on. Am I prego or what? Don't know if I am imaginging (or hoping), but think I might be starting to feel some pregnancy symptoms - sore boobies, tiredness, some nausea-like feelings, couple headaches. Nothing major, but every little feeling I have makes me wonder what it is. Still have the ongoing bleeding dilemma - going on 10 days of red bleeding now. No real cramping or tissue passage though. Have spent some time nearly every day researching possible reasons - it's actually quite amazing how many different causes there are for 1st trimester bleeding. I am now thinking I am having "decidual bleeding". Love how the internet helps you diagnose these things. Praying and hoping that doctor visit will reveal that our baby miracle is alive and thriving.

the ups and downs are brutal

Just a warning to all potential IVF/ART couples. If having a baby or no baby could make or break your marriage/relationship, the pursuit of one may just do that.

The roughly $50K, three cycles (the third is ongoing currently - more on that later) a months into this, has strained our relationship at times and strengthened it in others.

That's all I will say about it right now. In short, finances are a big part for me. I was laid off midway down this path and have supported this latest run on credit cards ranging 6.9-9.99% APR. I had expected to find permanent employment by now (working temp FT positions since March 2011) assuming once things stabilized then we'd still be on-track. Now comes the possibility the money's gone and we haven't achieved success.

I do not say this as a "woe is me" but more as a warning note to others considering this path. Also, if offered, do seriously consider the "multi-plans" or rebate programs offered by your IVF/ART clinic. I/we could have received $20K or so back if our three cycles failed. I think we strongly believed our 1-in-4 chances (live birth) would tilt in our favor if we only believed strong enough. In a clear moment, I know with IVF/ART, much like gamblers in Vegas, they don't take the bus home broke (or not get a baby) because they didn't believe it strong enough.

As for what I mentioned about the ongoing cycle, we have found out it is possible to be "sort of" pregnant. Or at least, the HCG tests have been in the zone (except one, I believe the 2nd) but there is some persistent bleeding. What this means, we don't know yet. Brutal wait for ultrasound this coming Monday.

Stay tuned.

Ups and Downs Continue

Ok, this is the craziest journey I have ever been on!!! Went in for another HCG test today to verify that number is going back down and was in shock when nurse called to say that number had risen to 904! What the heck is going on? Why all the ups and downs? I've already grieved the loss of this baby and have started researching our next step - donor eggs. I don't "feel" pregnant anymore. The bleeding has slowed down considerably today. What does that mean? I am driving myself and Baby Daddy crazy with searching the internet every night looking for answers. This is enough to drive someone mad! Nurse suggested possible ectopic, but from everything I read, that doesn't seem to describe what's going on.

Horribleness

I've been in bed for the last 22 hrs and don't want to get out. Don't want to be awake. Don't want to face reality. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I the one who is not able to have her own babies? I feel cheated. My dream has always been to be married and have a few babies, but that dream has always eluded me and now I feel like it's gone forever. Went through 68 fucking eggs and 18 embryos and not 1 turned into a baby. Not one.

Miracle came and gone...

HCG test: 350...not good...needed a minimum of 390. And to top it off, red bleeding started yesterday and has gotten worse...unfreaking believable! How could this be? Looks like my dream of being a mom to my own child is gone. Only hope now to carry a baby is to go to donor eggs. Don't have words to describe the level of sadness and loss that I feel. Eating ice cream and going to bed.

HCG Results

HCG came back 195! Yeah!!! Go back fore repeat test again on Saturday. Bleeding continues, but seems to have lessened a bit.

Praying for continued miracle

Go for repeat HCG test tomorrow morning. Praying for a continued miracle. Have driven myself crazy over the past 2 nights researching explanations for the bleeding. It seems to have slowed down now (thankfully!!!!) and my current theory is Vanishing Twin Syndrome, thinking we lost one of the babies. Turns out about 20-30% of women experience 1st trimester bleeding in some form. About 50% go on to have healthy pregnancies. We hold this vision of healthy babies.

Craziness Continues

Yesterday there was no doubt in my mind that we had lost the babies, but went for pregnancy test anyways. We had hoped and prayed for a miracle and got it today when nurse called and said HCG level was 109! What? How? Felt numb...couldn't even feel excited after the ordeal of the weekend...immediately dropped to my knees and thanked God for the miracle though. Bleeding continues however. Every time I go to the bathroom I am scared at what I might find. It's madness really.

Devastated Again...

One day til pregnancy test, but no real reason to take it. Started with brown spotting on Friday night and has gotten progressively worse...we've lost another set of babies. How can this be???? We've now flushed $50K down the toilet...literally...I am in shock. I've always thought I'd be a mother and now I feel like it just was never meant to be. WHY????????????????????????????
Don't even know where to go from here. I guess all the years of hoping, praying, believing....did me absolutely no good. I had a dream and believed in it and never gave up hope....for what? All it did was leave me feeling more hopeless than ever. What did this positive attitude get me? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Except a huge financial debt.

Just A Waiting Game

9 days post-retrieval and 5 days until pregnancy test....man this sucks! Every day is spent wondering, "yes or no"? Some days I "feel" pregnant and others not, even though I know technically, I shouldn't feel anything at this point. Every little twinge in my body makes me wonder if it has something to do with the babies. I keep having this "knowing" feeling, but I'm also afraid that it could just be false hope that I'm feeling. And, I keep thinking its twins this time too. Wow, what a miracle that would be. Anxious for Monday's results and have to just keep letting the thinking and wondering go and trusting that everything is unfolding just as it should. Trusting that this is all part of the plan. That whether I am or not, it's meant to be. To quote my favorite bible verse as it comes to mind as I type this: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

No Cryo this time either

Learned early this morning that 3rd embryo didn't make it. Man, these things are sure delicate. Amazing that any of them actually end up creating real babies! We've now gone through 68 eggs to get just 2 viable embryos....We had hoped to have "leftovers" to put in the freezer, but we are holding the vision that these 2 will take and that's all we need...and will be able to handle!

By a fluke, ended up seeing "Jack and Jill" last night...comedy about 2 twins...kind of ironic that we ended up in that movie the day we transferred our 2 little embyros. Then, saw a set of twins at the grocery store today. Are these signs? We certainly weren't going for twins, but if that is the plan, we are on board. Remind me of that 9 months down the road!

It's hard not to worry about what's happening with them. Driving myself crazy researching various things on the Internet....as if that would matter. Moreso this round than any other, I have to just keep reminding myself that I am not in control and that what is meant to be, will be. If God and the Universe want us to have these babies, we will. If not, we won't. Not really anything either of can do to influence the outcome. On one hand, that sucks. And, on the other, it's a relief. Just trying to keep trusting that all of this is happening for some amazing reason that we are not privy to just yet.

Successful Transfer

Arrived at the lab today to learn that we had 3 embryos still developing. The other 5 arrested sometime after Day 3. Two of the embryos were ripe and ready with "Good" scores. The other one slightly behind in development so letting it go 1 more day to see if viable for freezing. The transfer itself went very smoothly this time. I think it's because it was our doctor performing the procedure. Only problem was super full bladder so super uncomfortable through procedure. Now, just waiting for the babies to implant which supposedly could start as soon as within hours of transfer. Amazing miracles these embryos are!

Looking towards transfer

Got the news today that transfer is set for 11:30 on Saturday with accupuncture both before and after. And our doctor is doing the transfer, which relieves me a bunch considering that the last 2 transfers weren't as smooth as we had hoped for. They say all 8 are still developing as of today, but we won't get another update about numbers or quality until we arrive on Saturday, which is really nerve-racking! Don't know why they hold you in suspense like that! We continue to remain positive and trust that all is well with our babies.

Going for Day 5

Saturday will be our transfer day. It's day 5. We had 5 of 8 embryos looking good on day 3, so I think that prompted docs to push for day 5.

The two other cycles we did day 3 since there were only a few viable embryos that day. This time is a different story. I guess now we might actually be faced with the option of freezing embryos, perhaps.

The "logic" for waiting until day 5 is also to see if all survive until day 5. I so, then we transfer the hardiest of the bunch.

More later. I'm going to keep Baby Mamma company - she's gone to rest.