All hope was lost when I went to the bathroom at 3:30 today and the toilet filled with bright red, fresh blood. Seriously??? I had a sneaking suspicion all morning as I was experiencing cramps that were oddly resembling period cramps. Have been bleeding fairly heavily ever since. Baby Daddy still has a glimmer of hope, but I think he is in denial. I know it's all just happening, but I can't help but already think about what next???? Do we try a 3rd time? Invest another $15K that we don't have? Try a donor egg? Donor embryo? Adoption? Or just forget it all? Seems really difficult to accept that I was not meant to be a mother to my own child. Do I give up on that dream that I've held for so long???????????????????????????????????????????????
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Another round on the rollercoaster
Sailed through the weekend feeling really good about being pregnant. Then Monday hit and the rollercoaster takes a nose dive....As I was just about to call the doctor to make my 6 week US appointment, I headed to the bathroom first....only to find red blood and a fair amount of it. My heart sank as I knew this wasn't good and was likely the start of a miscarriage. Called the doc and they said that was likely the case as well, but to come in for another HCG test to confirm. Why bother, I thought. What's the point? It's over.
Back to the internet...this time to research miscarriage and what I can expect to happen. The doctor said to expect a really heavy period. I was imagining last time and it wasn't pretty. In retrospect, I think I may have been pregnant and miscarried earlier. So, I was imagaining the same, only worse since I'm farther along. I was scared to go to bed - afraid I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping and everything coming out at once. All the internet stories freaked me out.
But, Tuesday came and no more blood. Nothing since that Monday bathroom incident. How could this be? What the heck is going on?
The nurse calls and says HCG is progressing normally...now at 801! What??? This is madness. Everyone says you can't be sort-of pregnant, you either are or you are not. Well, I feel only sorta pregnant. One day I am , the next, I'm not. Should I go back to being hopeful??? I'm scared to have hope again.
Two hours later...another red blood episode...exact same thing as yesterday. But now, it's been 4 hours since and nothing. I guess this just goes to show that it is all out of my control. There is nothing I can do. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, then well, it's not. I don't even feel like I have any emotion about it today. I've become numb. Too scared to move in either direction for fear the tide will turn yet again.
Doc says they really won't know anything until they do an ultrasound. Appointment is set for Sept 9th....10 days away....we go into another holding pattern.
Back to the internet...this time to research miscarriage and what I can expect to happen. The doctor said to expect a really heavy period. I was imagining last time and it wasn't pretty. In retrospect, I think I may have been pregnant and miscarried earlier. So, I was imagaining the same, only worse since I'm farther along. I was scared to go to bed - afraid I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping and everything coming out at once. All the internet stories freaked me out.
But, Tuesday came and no more blood. Nothing since that Monday bathroom incident. How could this be? What the heck is going on?
The nurse calls and says HCG is progressing normally...now at 801! What??? This is madness. Everyone says you can't be sort-of pregnant, you either are or you are not. Well, I feel only sorta pregnant. One day I am , the next, I'm not. Should I go back to being hopeful??? I'm scared to have hope again.
Two hours later...another red blood episode...exact same thing as yesterday. But now, it's been 4 hours since and nothing. I guess this just goes to show that it is all out of my control. There is nothing I can do. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, then well, it's not. I don't even feel like I have any emotion about it today. I've become numb. Too scared to move in either direction for fear the tide will turn yet again.
Doc says they really won't know anything until they do an ultrasound. Appointment is set for Sept 9th....10 days away....we go into another holding pattern.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Friday's HCG Results: A whopping 275! Even higher than I anticipated! Yeah! The excitement continues....and so does the brown discharge...going on nearly a week now. Nobody warned me about this. I hate not knowing what it means. It could be perfectly normal and could be a sign of problems. So frustrating!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Yes, Baby!!!! Finally!!!
Got the results of 2nd HCG test today - 111 baby! Yeah! Another miracle. That is what this whole journey is....a series of miracles. I never realized how delicate this process is and how many milestones there are.
I've, of course, been driving myself crazy searching the internet looking for the appropriate HCG levels - I've become a little obsessive, to say the least. I also have OPC - obsessive panty checking. I am still having significant amounts of brown discharge that is very worrisome. Although, after all I've read on the internet about how many others have experienced the exact same thing, I've felt some relief. And, the doctors don't seem to be worried about it either.
Because the initial level was considered low, they want to re-check HCG again on Friday. So, we wait again, but with a little more reassurance this time. Scared to be too assured though. That is the crazy thing - the ups and downs - there have been so many!!!
I still can't believe I am actually pregnant. It's crazy. I've wanted this for so long and now that we are finally here, I find myself wondering if this could actually be.
We continue to pray daily and have faith that all is unfolding exactly as it should be.
Thank you God and the Universe for blessing us with this truly amazing miracle!!! We are very grateful!
I've, of course, been driving myself crazy searching the internet looking for the appropriate HCG levels - I've become a little obsessive, to say the least. I also have OPC - obsessive panty checking. I am still having significant amounts of brown discharge that is very worrisome. Although, after all I've read on the internet about how many others have experienced the exact same thing, I've felt some relief. And, the doctors don't seem to be worried about it either.
Because the initial level was considered low, they want to re-check HCG again on Friday. So, we wait again, but with a little more reassurance this time. Scared to be too assured though. That is the crazy thing - the ups and downs - there have been so many!!!
I still can't believe I am actually pregnant. It's crazy. I've wanted this for so long and now that we are finally here, I find myself wondering if this could actually be.
We continue to pray daily and have faith that all is unfolding exactly as it should be.
Thank you God and the Universe for blessing us with this truly amazing miracle!!! We are very grateful!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Baby???
41 eggs retrieved, 20 mature eggs, 10 embryos, 5 embryos via 2 transfers and maybe 1 baby....
HCG test on Sunday revealed pregnancy with HCG at 39.8....doc says they like to see that initial number greater than 50....we were told to remain "cautiously optimistic" and to come back in 3 days to see how HCG level has changed. UGH! I can't tell you how tired I am of this up and down and waiting....it's getting to be quite ridiculous at this point. Why does this process have to be so darn difficult?
Now, in the last 24+ hours, I've started spotting...have scoured the Internet yet again for what this might mean and have come out the other side not any clearer than when I began. Could be signs of miscarriage, could be normal. This is crap....
Why? What is the point of all this???
HCG test on Sunday revealed pregnancy with HCG at 39.8....doc says they like to see that initial number greater than 50....we were told to remain "cautiously optimistic" and to come back in 3 days to see how HCG level has changed. UGH! I can't tell you how tired I am of this up and down and waiting....it's getting to be quite ridiculous at this point. Why does this process have to be so darn difficult?
Now, in the last 24+ hours, I've started spotting...have scoured the Internet yet again for what this might mean and have come out the other side not any clearer than when I began. Could be signs of miscarriage, could be normal. This is crap....
Why? What is the point of all this???
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Next Phase
I guess I am only capable of bulk updates this cycle....
So, of the 22 eggs retrieved, only 9 were mature and only 5 fertilized...definitely disappointed that we ended up with the same number of embryos as last cycle.
On Day 3, in our pre-transfer conference they presented us with a pic of 3 embryos this time...which is weird cause we had just had a discussion about whether or not to transfer more this time. They told us the chance for success went from roughly 45-55% to 55-65% and with 3 embryos only a 20% chance of twins and less than 1% chance of triplets...so we went for it. Transfer went much better than last time, but still not as easy as it apparently should be.
I couldn't sleep the next 2 nights as I kept waking up with weird twinges all through the night. Baby Daddy finally convinced me to call doctor on Friday to make sure all was ok. Doctor says it sounds like I have a mild case of OHSS and tells me to come in for exam and ultrasound on Saturday. Then Friday night hits and we have a horrible night. Pains all through the night, can't sleep and every time I get up to go to the bathroom, I get nauseous and dizzy and have to lay back down. Ultrasound and exam reveal enlarged ovaries and 2 pockets of fluid - mild to moderate OHSS. Told to stay home and do as little as possible while drinking Gatorade. So, spend the weekend laying around and then work from home for 2 days before going back for follow-up ultrasound. This time (different doctor) says all is good. Ovaries are still enlarged, but not more than expected at this point and fluid pockets seems to be gone.
So, essentially I've spent the last week obsessed with whether or not I am pregnant. Have scoured the internet reading about signs and symptoms trying to figure out which category I fall into. I tell ya, this 2WW, as they call it, can drive a person crazy!!!!! Good thing I have tons of work to distract me.
Emotions have been up and down. Started to feel depressed that the cycle failed again and trying to figure out what in the world to do if that was the case. My intial thoughts after the OHSS diagnosis is that I am not putting myself through this again. Maybe an embryo donation is the way to go. Then after about a day of that, I said no. I am not giving up on my dream of being a mom to my own baby. That has always been my dream and I am not letting it go that easy. I had a serious conversation with God and the Universe to let them both now that I am not giving up. That this is the time and I am ready. I've asked, I've believed and now it is time to receive. I decided to change my attitude and have been thinking and feeling much more positive ever since. I have been choosing to believe and have been sending light and love to the 3 embryos that they are healthy and doing just what they need to in order to lead to a successful pregnancy. I am visualizing myself pregnant and us with our healthy baby...or babies as the case may be. Funny, how I am now so open to either twins or triplets when I was once adamantly against multiples. Now, I just want to be pregnant and will take whatever number of babies God and the Universe wants to bless us with. Watch what you ask for!!! : )
So, the last couple days I have continued to have various twinges throughout the days and nights and wonder if that is the sign that things are progressing this time. Definitely a different experience from last time. I am choosing to believe that I am pregnant.
God, Universe, and all the powers that be....thank you for bringing us this far and I trust that all is well. That the babies are well and growing inside of me.
On Sunday we go in for HCG test....4 more days....
Bring it (them) on! : )
So, of the 22 eggs retrieved, only 9 were mature and only 5 fertilized...definitely disappointed that we ended up with the same number of embryos as last cycle.
On Day 3, in our pre-transfer conference they presented us with a pic of 3 embryos this time...which is weird cause we had just had a discussion about whether or not to transfer more this time. They told us the chance for success went from roughly 45-55% to 55-65% and with 3 embryos only a 20% chance of twins and less than 1% chance of triplets...so we went for it. Transfer went much better than last time, but still not as easy as it apparently should be.
I couldn't sleep the next 2 nights as I kept waking up with weird twinges all through the night. Baby Daddy finally convinced me to call doctor on Friday to make sure all was ok. Doctor says it sounds like I have a mild case of OHSS and tells me to come in for exam and ultrasound on Saturday. Then Friday night hits and we have a horrible night. Pains all through the night, can't sleep and every time I get up to go to the bathroom, I get nauseous and dizzy and have to lay back down. Ultrasound and exam reveal enlarged ovaries and 2 pockets of fluid - mild to moderate OHSS. Told to stay home and do as little as possible while drinking Gatorade. So, spend the weekend laying around and then work from home for 2 days before going back for follow-up ultrasound. This time (different doctor) says all is good. Ovaries are still enlarged, but not more than expected at this point and fluid pockets seems to be gone.
So, essentially I've spent the last week obsessed with whether or not I am pregnant. Have scoured the internet reading about signs and symptoms trying to figure out which category I fall into. I tell ya, this 2WW, as they call it, can drive a person crazy!!!!! Good thing I have tons of work to distract me.
Emotions have been up and down. Started to feel depressed that the cycle failed again and trying to figure out what in the world to do if that was the case. My intial thoughts after the OHSS diagnosis is that I am not putting myself through this again. Maybe an embryo donation is the way to go. Then after about a day of that, I said no. I am not giving up on my dream of being a mom to my own baby. That has always been my dream and I am not letting it go that easy. I had a serious conversation with God and the Universe to let them both now that I am not giving up. That this is the time and I am ready. I've asked, I've believed and now it is time to receive. I decided to change my attitude and have been thinking and feeling much more positive ever since. I have been choosing to believe and have been sending light and love to the 3 embryos that they are healthy and doing just what they need to in order to lead to a successful pregnancy. I am visualizing myself pregnant and us with our healthy baby...or babies as the case may be. Funny, how I am now so open to either twins or triplets when I was once adamantly against multiples. Now, I just want to be pregnant and will take whatever number of babies God and the Universe wants to bless us with. Watch what you ask for!!! : )
So, the last couple days I have continued to have various twinges throughout the days and nights and wonder if that is the sign that things are progressing this time. Definitely a different experience from last time. I am choosing to believe that I am pregnant.
God, Universe, and all the powers that be....thank you for bringing us this far and I trust that all is well. That the babies are well and growing inside of me.
On Sunday we go in for HCG test....4 more days....
Bring it (them) on! : )
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Successful Retrieval
22 eggs retrieved! Yeah! Tomorrow's report will tell us how many are mature and how many successfully fertilized!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Baby 2.0
A little bit behind on the details...but here's a recap of the past couple months:
June - Finally saw a knowledgeable doctor who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism....now we wonder if that played a role in our 1st IVF attempt...we'll never know for sure
July 14 - Start taking daily ovulation tests in order to start Cetrotide injection in hopes of getting more mature eggs this round
July 16 - Think I have positive test, but can't tell for sure so do 2nd test that comes out negative
July 22 - Start to panic that ovulation already occured so go in for ultrasound that confirmed I did ovulate! Good thing I followed my hunch....Cetrotide injection tonight
July 25 - 6 weeks post endo appointment, 2 lab tests later and cleared to start 2nd IVF attempt
July 26 - Start period early - only 21 day cycle
July 27 - Suppression check - 15 follicles and all good to go!
July 28 - 1st day of stimulation meds
Aug 1 - Day 5 ultrasound and blood check - 13 developing eggs
Aug 4 - Day 8 ultrasound and blood check - 13 mature eggs - doc wants to go 1 more day to try and get more mature eggs - I am so tired of the 3-4 nightly injections now and am glad to have this part over.
Aug 5 - Day 9 ultrasound and blood check - 14 mature eggs - HCG tonight, which means Aug 7th retrieval
Aug 6 - Anxious for tomorrow's retrieval....feeling really full and looking 5-6 months pregnant!
June - Finally saw a knowledgeable doctor who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism....now we wonder if that played a role in our 1st IVF attempt...we'll never know for sure
July 14 - Start taking daily ovulation tests in order to start Cetrotide injection in hopes of getting more mature eggs this round
July 16 - Think I have positive test, but can't tell for sure so do 2nd test that comes out negative
July 22 - Start to panic that ovulation already occured so go in for ultrasound that confirmed I did ovulate! Good thing I followed my hunch....Cetrotide injection tonight
July 25 - 6 weeks post endo appointment, 2 lab tests later and cleared to start 2nd IVF attempt
July 26 - Start period early - only 21 day cycle
July 27 - Suppression check - 15 follicles and all good to go!
July 28 - 1st day of stimulation meds
Aug 1 - Day 5 ultrasound and blood check - 13 developing eggs
Aug 4 - Day 8 ultrasound and blood check - 13 mature eggs - doc wants to go 1 more day to try and get more mature eggs - I am so tired of the 3-4 nightly injections now and am glad to have this part over.
Aug 5 - Day 9 ultrasound and blood check - 14 mature eggs - HCG tonight, which means Aug 7th retrieval
Aug 6 - Anxious for tomorrow's retrieval....feeling really full and looking 5-6 months pregnant!
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