Pregnancy Blood Test Results

No HCG...no pregnancy...no babies...

I think I knew on Friday...I just didn't want to believe it.

I am so extremely sad that our adorable little embryos didn't make it. I don't even have words to describe the level of disappointment I feel. All of the grief stages at once - ok, mainly anger and sadness at this point...with sprinkles of denial and acceptance. WHY????

Do we try another IVF cycle? I am just kicking myself that we didn't purchase the multi-plan or refund program. We just had so much hope and faith that the 1st time would work. Cannot believe we spent $22K and have nothing to show for it. Nothing. Nothing, but the memory of a long rollercoaster ride that ended up falling off the tracks completely.

not taking it personally, being supportive, preparing

That's about all a guy can do right now.

And keep a good sense of humor.

Like a former co-worker told me at the end of my first week on the job: "keep your head down and do what you're told."

And I don't mean the above quote to imply the guy's job is to be an unfeeling robot like Arnold in the Terminator movies, nor to be a mere order-taker like Hoke in Driving Miss Daisy. What I mean is, well, I don't know exactly. By tomorrow afternoon, after the pregancy test, we could be on another upswing. When I say we're "preparing" - it is preparing for anything, which is unnerving.

The good thing is the drama has drawn us closer - but we're ready for good news.

Rollercoaster takes a plunge

Woke up at 4am with more spotting. Got up at 8am to get ready for work and went to the bathroom. Wiped and immediately started crying. What was coming out of me was definitely more than spotting and wasn't like anything I had seen before. I won't go into the gory details, but whatever it was didn't seem normal at all and all I could think of was that the babies had come out. Why?????? Called nurse and she said there are some women who bleed and go on to have normal pregnancies, but that I should prepare myself as well. The only way to know for sure is a blood test that I can't do until tomorrow. Seriously? Another 30 hours of this agonizing obsessing and wondering? I guess there is nothing else we can do.

But really, after all this? It seems like a cruel joke. So many ups and downs....things we interpreted as signs that this must be right. Amazingly, we still have some level of hope. We are wondering if it is possible for one baby to miscarry and the other one be fine? No conclusive answers found on-line thus far.

Implantation Bleeding or Pre-Period Bleeding?

Today at work I started having some brown spotting that concerned me. Called nurse and they said it could be completely normal or could be my period starting. As soon as I got home from work I started researching implantation bleeding on-line and was relieved to find that what I was experiencing seemed to fit with the signs and symptoms of implanation bleeding. Yeah! Was this the sign we were looking for to confirm that all is well? Did all of our prayer work? Emotions are up again and hope restored. They really weren't kidding when they said this IVF thing would be a rollercoaster ride.

Easter Test

Result was negative...did we test too early? That's what we are holding out hope for....

Emotional Mess

Can I just say....WTF? I've been an absolute emotional mess over the past couple days. This not knowing is killing me and the fear and doubt have officially taken over. I fell asleep crying last night and then had a terrible dream that my worst fears had come true. I think all the hormones are messing with me. My body has been so out of whack....I now realize that having been super bloated and having super sore boobs helped me to "feel" pregnant and I actually liked it. Now, my body feels closer to normal and it freaks me out. I don't want it to feel normal. I want all the pregnancy symptoms. As crazy as it is, I keep hoping each morning to wake up feeling nauseous. Now, how seriously demented is that? That's what this process will do to you. I am pissed at how easy it has been for all of my friends to conceive. Why am I the chosen one to have difficulties both finding a partner and becoming a mother? Why???? I keep looking at the pictures of our 2 little embryos and honestly feel like I love them. I don't know how it is possible, but I do. I guess they are the closest thing I have ever experienced to having my own babies so I guess it does kinda make sense in a weird kind of way. They were the chosen 2. I know that parts of me and parts of Baby Daddy are all wrapped up in those cute little embryos.

Tomorrow is Day 11 and it is also Easter (and also 13 days post HCG injection) so we are thinking about taking a home pregnancy test....not sure if that is a good idea or not. I mean, either answer we get will cause it's own chain reaction of feelings. If it's negative...does this mean it didn't work? are we just testing too early? is there still hope? If it's positive...does this mean it did work? is it a false-positive due to the HCG injection? is it really true? I feel like we're screwed with either answer so not sure how much, if at all, it will help.

Again, we turn to you God. That is all we can do. Over and over again. Baby Daddy actually seems to be the more faithful one these days. He has been praying for all of us each night, which I love. He keeps saying that we've received so many signs that this is the right time for us, for me. He says I wouldn't be me if I didn't continue to question. I guess he knows me too well.

The Universe Speaks

Ok, how absolutely amazing is this??? I get home today to find the following message in my e-mail inbox:


"...about your amazing husband, and that one day soon you will be pregnant... have you considered that once these dreams come to pass, you may become too popular to even grocery shop for yourself? Yeah, your peeps can do it for you."

"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
The Universe

I just have to say, how amazingly odd that is! I mean, the timing...I am 7 days post retrieval and 4 days post transfer. Still one more week until we do the pregnancy test. The waiting has been unbearably more difficult than I had thought. I mean, am I or not? I really want to believe I am. We already have one home pregnancy test and just bought another one at the dollar store, but not sure if or when we will use either. Have gotten on-line to see when is the earliest you can test, but then found out it takes 5-14 days for the pre-retrieval HCG shot to be eliminated from your system so you could get a false positive. So, going by that, the earliest we should test would be the 25th, however the 24th is Easter Sunday so it seemed appropriate to test then. Official blood test by doctor is on the 27th.

I am trying to stay positive and have faith and all, but sometimes I have doubts. Mainly because I have wanted this for so long and it has always eluded me. Can my dreams really be coming true this time? Baby Daddy just keeps telling me to "believe so I can receive". Gotta love that guy! I've said so many prayers this past few weeks to just let go and trust in God's plan for us...no matter what it is. I have to think my dreams of being pregnant and becoming a mother are bound to come true. I mean could God really give me this strong of a desire and then not fulfill it???? I want to be positive, but part of me is so afraid that it's not going to work out, yet again. How can I just trust and believe? It seems that there have been so many "signs" this time and it has felt so right and so real. I want to control the outcome, yet I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to control it. We have done everything we were supposed to and now we need to just continually let go, moment after moment. The rest is truly up to God.

Waiting for Implantation

I woke up this morning thinking about the need for a 6 passenger vehicle. I guess the idea of twins is starting to grow on me (or hopefully grow in me!). Once I saw the pics of our 2 little embryos, I couldn't help but want both of them to stay together in the womb and keep each other company. None of this process has gone how we planned (it's been better!) so why would I think I could control the number of resulting babies! Crazy of me!

weekend wrap up

It took four attempts over the past months to get to this point, and four attempts by the doc Saturday morning to get our two 7-cell embryos inside Baby Mamma (too full bladder tilted the geometry of the cervix-uterus), but things are rolling now. She's resting, reading, and blogging (right next to me on couch now). Just waiting anxiously for about 10 or so days until we can check to see if embryos (one or both) implanted into the uterus. Prayer and cookies help. Lots. :)

Transfer Day

The day started off with me being in the shower and receiving an unexpected call from the doctor just 30 mins before we would be heading out the door for the procedure. Baby Daddy takes the call and I think he is joking when he comes in the bathroom to tell me it is the doctor we were secretly hoping would be the one to perform the procedure. (Background - same doc who gave the "Introduction to IVF" seminar that we attended months ago and who recognized us in the recovery room on the day of Baby Daddy's surgery. For some reason, we feel a kinship with him and saw it as a sign from God that he would be performing the transfer). Once I realized that Baby Daddy was not joking, I started to panic...why is the doctor calling? Is something wrong with the embryos? I immediately get out of the shower and get on the phone. Doc says best chance of getting pregnant is transferring 2 embryos, which we had previously been hesitant about due to the likelihood of that resulting in multiples. He was calling because if we only wanted to transfer 1, he said we should wait until Day 5. What he didn't know is that we had already discussed and decided we'd rather have 2 than 0. So, the transfer remains as scheduled.... On the way to the clinic, we run into unexpected traffic due to offramp we needed being closed. We were already running late due to the phone call from the doc. As each minute ticks by, I start panicing, but Baby Daddy remains calm and takes a detour through a construction zone and ends up getting us there just 10 mins late. Transfers require that you have a full bladder so there are very strict rules about how much to drink and when, when to empty the bladder, etc. I followed all the rules, but as soon as they put the ultrasound on me, they said my bladder was too full. So, I let out nearly 2 cups. We then met with the embryolist to very brielfy to go over the current status of all 5 embryos. They have selected the best 2 for transfer and will let the rest culture until Day 6 when they will determine if any of those remaining 3 are viable for freezing. Next step was for the doc to get the cathater through my cervix to deliver the embryos to my uterus. Unfortunately, I have a small cervix and after several attempts, it won't go in. He tries another type of cathater. That won't work either. I was asked to empty my bladder some more to change the angle of my uterus. That doesn't help either. He gets a 3rd type of cathater. Still no sucess and I start to panic. The doctor stands up and I start to cry because I think he is going to tell me that it just won't work. He says it is best not to force anything and we will just keep trying by emptying the bladder a little more each time. So, back to the bathroom again and this time I decide to literally get down on my knees in the bathroom and say a prayer to ask God for help. When I get back in the room, I asked Baby Daddy to say a prayer too. This time the cathater goes right in. Thank you, God. We wait 15 minutes while I lay on the bed and then we are free to go. Directions are to stay off my feet as much as possible for the next 48 hours. Wow, we made it. I now have 2 baby embryos inside me. How weird is that?

Big Day Is Tomorrow

What an amazing journey! We found out this afternoon that tomorrow will be the transfer day. All 5 little embryos are still developing, but we won't find out until tomorrow who (or how many) will win the race. Excited, anxious, grateful.....stay posted for more details.

1st Report Is In

Retrieved 19 eggs, 11 were mature, 5 were successfully fertilized. Wow - what a weaning process. We now have 5 little embryos growing in the lab. We find out tomorrow afternoon how many have risen to the top of the pack and whether or not the transfer will be Saturday or Monday. Very exciting...and somewhat nerve racking as well! We continue to pray and trust in God's plan. And, of course, we are hoping for a miracle...or two. : )

Wow, that was easy!

Retrieval complete. Must say it was a much smoother, quicker, easier process than I had been prepared for. Still cried like a baby beforehand for some darn reason. Love it that Baby Daddy prayed with me before being wheeled into surgery. Got into the room, they put socks on me and next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. Retrieval was a success with 19 eggs retrieved. No pain, just a little discomfort. Feel almost normal. Still gonna let Baby Daddy take care of my all day though. Good practice for the months ahead. Get our first fertilization report tomorrow - how exciting!!!

Night Before Retrieval

So, here we are....the night before the retrieval. No food or water after midnite. Check-in at 8:30am. Surgery at 9am. Wow, hard to believe we are actually here. I am scared about the anesthesia because it will be my first time "going under", but everyone assures me it will be fine. Apparently the procedure is only 20 minutes. I pray that God is watching over all of us.

Stimulation Day 8

Had a little bit of a scare over the weekend. Thought I had ovulated and was all worried that I had ovulated away $22K. Called nurse and she assured me that it was just the higher hormone levels that were causing the ovulation symptoms. Had bloodwork and ultrasound today and all was well. Today we had 8 eggs that met the criteria. Survival of the fittest at it's finest. We started with 20, then went to 14, now we are at 8. And then we just had to wait for the bloodwork to come back. We anxiously waited and at 2:15 got the call that all was good for an early retrieval on Wednesday the 13th! Yikers! Just 2 days away. One last shot of Ganirelix and then HCG tonight. Boy, was that another ordeal. I cried like a baby again. Not sure why that has freaked me out like it has, but Baby Daddy has been super supportive and understanding and helped me through it. Tonight I began looking up all the statistics on how many embryos to implant, the success rates for Day 3 vs. Day 5 transfer, etc. After a few minutes it occured to me that no level of statistical data is going to make this happen. It is in God's hands. I need to let go once again and just trust in the process. All is well...

Stimulation Day 5

Another solo appointment. Bloodwork and ultrasound this time. During the ultrasound they are looking to count how many follicles are over a size 10. They were expecting for a couple to be at that point, but I had 14! Those eggs were cookin' at high heat! So, it's still early, but looking like retrieval will be on first possible day, Wed, April 13th. Only a 10% chance of that happening. I left the appointment smiling and freaking out all at the same time. Is this really happening? It all seems so quick now. I had to immediately call Baby Daddy to tell him the good news. And, then had to call him back 20 minutes later as I was freaking out that our Baby Egg was being pumped up artifically with all these drugs...what will be the long term effects? Should we really be playing with science like this? I'm scared, excited, nervous....all kinds of feelings. Like they said, this is a rollercoaster ride. Assuming retrieval happens on 4/13, that puts transfer on 4/16 or 4/18. Wow, I will be conceiving a baby next week. I really can't believe it. I'm scared to plan too much based on what we have gone through up to this point. As they say, it truly is a miracle. We are blessed.

Stimulation Day 3

First appointment solo - Baby Daddy had another commitment that he could not get out of. Appointment was quick and simple - the drive to and from took 60 mins, but the appointment was over in about 5 minutes - just a quick blood draw.

We got the green light!

Yeah....uterus was all ready to go and 11 follicles on the left and 9 on the right! Wow - 20 follicles! Amazing! We are excited and are trying not to get too freaked out! We actually get to start this time. So stimulation meds start tonight. 225 of Follistim and 75 of Menopur. Took us about 45 mins to get through 2 shots as we were so diligent about getting everything just right.

Will this be the right time?

Tomorrow we will go in for the 4th Suppression Check to see if we are ready to start this time. Trying to just be calm and accepting of whatever is...stay tuned...