From Grief to Acceptance

So, it's only 1 day post-TESA and I find myself very emotional and wondering if we have done the right thing. I think the reality of what we are doing sets in and I have to face that fact that this means I will never have the experience of making a baby through the act of making love. This makes me sad. I feel like I am missing out on the magic of sharing the conception experience with Baby Daddy. We will never be making love and wondering if this is the time that results in our little one. We won't be able to look back and remember the magical night that our baby was conceived. Perhaps most couples don't remember that night, but it still feels like I am missing out. All spontaneity is lost. Instead, everything is very carefully planned out. We will have 2 months of "prep-work". Birth control for 1 month to prevent ovulation and then daily injections and medications for another month to prepare my body for egg retrieval and implantation. We will know well in advance the exact day that pregnancy could occur. It sounds so clinical, so un-magical. And that is when it hits me, I am grieving. I am grieving the fact that I will not become a mother through the natural forces of nature. Instead, I will rely on the precision of medical science. So, I allow myself to grieve. I break down in tears just as Baby Daddy is getting home from work. I feel badly as I know he is still experiencing his own physical pain as he waddles in the room. I'm hesitant to tell him all the feelings I have running through my head, but I know I must be open and share what is going on. Luckily, he is the kind of man that can handle it. He knows what a sensitive topic this is for me and he knows how to be there for me. He does not take it personal. He just listens to me as I go through all the stages of grief in a matter of moments:

Denial - Why is this happening to me? Am I really not going to be able to have a baby the natural way? Is it really my fate to rely on medical science?
Anger - Why did it take me so long to find someone? Why did he have a vasectomy? This would be so much easier if he hadn't had that damn procedure in the first place.
Bargaining - What if we try a reversal? Maybe it's not too late. Maybe we still have time to try on our own before I run out of eggs?
Depression - Am I always going to be sad that I never even got the chance to try? Not even once. Will I feel regretful about the way this happened?

And then Baby Daddy steps in and reminds and assures me that all will be ok, that he will be there for me and take care of me through the whole process, that we can make it through this together...and once we have our sweet little baby, none of the "how" will matter. So, slowly, I move to the stage of Acceptance and remember that if we are going to have a baby together, this is what has got to happen. I move back to a place of faith and hope.

I am once again reminded of the rollercoaster ride they were warning us about in the IVF prep class. I feel very fortunate to be on the ride with Baby Daddy. Thank you Baby Daddy for believing in me and supporting us and for having faith for the both of us when that is needed. I appreciate you and all you do very much. I love you.