the secret club of 7 million+

It does feel strange to be part of something that is easier to talk about anonymously online than to close friends and family (at least for now).

But, according to the CDC, we are not alone.

US Infertility Data

•Number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children): 7.3 million

•Percent of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity: 11.8%

•Number of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile (unable to get pregnant for at least 12 consecutive months): 2.1 million

•Percent of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile: 7.4%

•Number of women ages 15-44 who have ever used infertility services: 7.3 million

Source: Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, tables 67, 69, 97


I'm just ready to get on with it. Right now. I have poppa-sicles waiting to be used. And my testicles are healing well after about a week post-TESE. The only downside is I swear the stitching down there resembles a vulva.

bad ankle

That's the lie of the day while I've been lurching around the office hallways like a half-drunken Frankenstein's monster.

There's no way the folks at work are really convinced I hurt my ankle, but that's the story I'm sticking with when they ask. Why not tell them the truth? Two reasons:

1) I'd have to explain the whole procedure to them - most people, including myself, never even heard of it.

2) I'd have to explain WHY I had it done - most of them know I had a vasectomy a couple years ago. (That's a story for another time).

I'm tapering the pain pills today (48 hours since TESE procedure) but still taking the antibiotics. Swelling persists. I find it funny that post-op instructions advise against sexual activity for X days afterwards. The way these puppies feel right now, the least-pleasing thing I could experience would be anything that increased agitation or jostling.

Even spooning is a bit uncomfortable. :(

From Grief to Acceptance

So, it's only 1 day post-TESA and I find myself very emotional and wondering if we have done the right thing. I think the reality of what we are doing sets in and I have to face that fact that this means I will never have the experience of making a baby through the act of making love. This makes me sad. I feel like I am missing out on the magic of sharing the conception experience with Baby Daddy. We will never be making love and wondering if this is the time that results in our little one. We won't be able to look back and remember the magical night that our baby was conceived. Perhaps most couples don't remember that night, but it still feels like I am missing out. All spontaneity is lost. Instead, everything is very carefully planned out. We will have 2 months of "prep-work". Birth control for 1 month to prevent ovulation and then daily injections and medications for another month to prepare my body for egg retrieval and implantation. We will know well in advance the exact day that pregnancy could occur. It sounds so clinical, so un-magical. And that is when it hits me, I am grieving. I am grieving the fact that I will not become a mother through the natural forces of nature. Instead, I will rely on the precision of medical science. So, I allow myself to grieve. I break down in tears just as Baby Daddy is getting home from work. I feel badly as I know he is still experiencing his own physical pain as he waddles in the room. I'm hesitant to tell him all the feelings I have running through my head, but I know I must be open and share what is going on. Luckily, he is the kind of man that can handle it. He knows what a sensitive topic this is for me and he knows how to be there for me. He does not take it personal. He just listens to me as I go through all the stages of grief in a matter of moments:

Denial - Why is this happening to me? Am I really not going to be able to have a baby the natural way? Is it really my fate to rely on medical science?
Anger - Why did it take me so long to find someone? Why did he have a vasectomy? This would be so much easier if he hadn't had that damn procedure in the first place.
Bargaining - What if we try a reversal? Maybe it's not too late. Maybe we still have time to try on our own before I run out of eggs?
Depression - Am I always going to be sad that I never even got the chance to try? Not even once. Will I feel regretful about the way this happened?

And then Baby Daddy steps in and reminds and assures me that all will be ok, that he will be there for me and take care of me through the whole process, that we can make it through this together...and once we have our sweet little baby, none of the "how" will matter. So, slowly, I move to the stage of Acceptance and remember that if we are going to have a baby together, this is what has got to happen. I move back to a place of faith and hope.

I am once again reminded of the rollercoaster ride they were warning us about in the IVF prep class. I feel very fortunate to be on the ride with Baby Daddy. Thank you Baby Daddy for believing in me and supporting us and for having faith for the both of us when that is needed. I appreciate you and all you do very much. I love you.

Back in Black (and Blue)

Back to work today, though a little bit later than usual. Got there two hours later than usual, to be exact.

Not bad considering about 24 hours prior I was knocked out and my man parts were being jostled about like TSA screener searching a handbag (at least that's how it feels).

This morning I slept in, showered, ate a bit, and headed out the door with Baby Mama. Usually I am out the door before she is. Today, I got to enjoy hearing her shuttle about between the bedroom and the bathroom, kitchen and the living room. She brought me my pain pill (hydrocodone) and a pill to help keep any infections away as I heal (cephalexin). She also brought me cereal and juice - not too shabby. A fellah could get used to this. I was also thinking in the months ahead as we launch on this IVF routine, I will be the one to offer the support while she takes drugs, rests, etc. I just hope I can do it with as much care and enthusiasm as Baby Mama does.

Last night, Baby Mama surprised me with a deluxe "breakfast for dinner" spread which included: hash browns, bacon (MMMM, BACON!!!), and strawberry waffles!!! She is AWESOME and I love her a bunch!

1 Step Down....Numerous to go!

5am wake-up for 6:30 surgery check-in. So, I kiss him goodbye as they wheel him off to surgery. Less than an hour later, the doctor comes into the waiting room and announces, "It was a success, we got lots of sperm and they have great motility". I look around and notice that HIPA must not apply in this circumstance. Oh well, I'm relieved and happy and know he will be so proud to have produced such great quantities of little swimmers. Then, all of a sudden, I am extremely emotional...do we really need to do IVF? If he has such great quantity and quality of sperm, perhaps the reversal would have worked??? Perhaps I could have been spared months of injections and faking my body into thinking it was having a baby normally? Then, I am quickly reminded that we still don't have time to try - my egg supply is dwindlying as we speak. And thus, the roller coaster ride begins.

I am so proud of him. He is brave and dedicated. Who signs up for weeks of black and blue balls in order to make his girlfriend's dreams come true? Only him. My friend, my love.

So, half of our little baby sits in the freezer, waiting for it's better half...

Welcome!

My partner, Baby Mama, and I, have started a journey together - one unlike any other we have ever taken but we know many others have done before us with varying degrees of success. We are starting the process of in vitro fertilization, or IVF, an assisted reproduction technology, or ART.

This journey started today, in fact. I had a "TESE" procedure done to retrieve sperm from my testicles. The surgeon came out into the waiting room to tell Baby Mama I had tons of sperm (a lot, anyway) retrieved and they were very motile (jumping around like a fish in the boat). So, I/we think that's good news.

I sit now on the couch with peas on my "junk" and hydrocodone for the mild ache in my groin area. It feels like my testicles, the right one specifically, is trying to retreat into my insides. I would too, I guess, if I'd been chased with a scalpel earlier in the day. Baby Mama has been great - she stayed home from work today to help ice me, feed me, and make sure I didn't go on a pain pill-fueled shopping spree online.

The reason I had to do TESE was due to a vasectomy I'd had almost two years ago. This was a principal reason we determined ART was required for us if we wanted to have children together. I'll let Baby Mama introduce herself and explain the other reasons.

I tend to write a lot, but I'll keep it short today. I have to change my cold peas ice pack anyway.

The First Big Step - TESA

So, tomorrow is his part. TESA. Basically, they go straight to the source to retrieve the sperm. In preparation, he must shave his "scrotum". What an adventure that was! After about 20 minutes in the shower and half a can of shaving cream later, I must leave the bathroom. I come back 5 minutes later to realize that he took "scrotum" to mean "entire genital area". Wow. I nearly fell on the floor laughing. That's the best part. Going through this together and finding the humor in it.

The Beginning

Wow. So where to possibly begin? The backstory: I had always planned on having a family of my own...I figured I would go to college, establish my career and then meet a wonderful man and start a family...all during my 20's...sounds reasonable, right? Um, no. Turns out that wasn't meant to be. I finally graduated from college at age 29, but no wonderful husband had appeared yet. So, I revised the plan. No big deal. I didn't need 10 years to accomplish all that. I had plenty of time. Certainly I could meet someone, date for a couple years, get married and begin having children by age 32...Ok, well, maybe age 35. Plenty of women get married and have babies in their mid 30's. No problem...Ok, several more years go by and I start thinking that this is harder than I thought it would be. At age 38, I find myself newly single and wondering how in the world I got here. So much for the "best laid plans"...My fertility clock is ticking so loud I can barely hear anything else. Now what do I do? Find a sperm donor? Adopt a baby? None of these options seem appealing as I don't just want a baby, I want a family. I want the husband, the marriage, the pregnancy...I want all of it. So, I continue to have faith that the plan will be shown to me...

So, the day before I turn 39, I meet him. Several dates (but only about a week's time) later, I decide I must have the "conversation" with him. I don't have time to casually date - I'm nearly 40 and want to have a family and I don't have time to just date around with someone who doesn't have the same goals. I know he already has children of his own so I have to broach the topic before we go any further. Any normal man would have run in the other direction as quickly as possible. Not him. He goes on to share that he is open to having more children. I'm relieved. Then he drops the bomb...he's had a vasectomy. He quickly assures me that "there are options available".

For some strange reason, I continue to date this man and, in a very short time, I come to realize that this man is wonderful in so many ways. He is caring, open, supportive, affectionate and very funny. We feel very comfortable with each other, we get along very well with together, we have common interests and we share the same dreams.

So, we begin the process of researching all the options online. Vasectomy reversal can take up to 2 years to be successful - we don't feel we have the time as with every precious month going by, so are my precious eggs. Artifical insemination is not an option unless we use donor sperm - I want "him" to be the father of my children. Adoption - well, we are open to it, but really want at at least one of our own. So, after several doctor consulatations and preliminary testing to make sure we are both "good" candidates, we opt for the IVF route.